you don't have to love it from the start

I hate the first mile of running. I hated it in May, when the Summer was just a promise ahead and I hate it still here in October, at Summers end. I am not exaggerating to tell you that every run has started off the same way. I will not be 100 meters into it and it hurts, and soon the same negative thoughts start repeating themselves, in this ugly black loop through my cerebrum:

"This is so hard. Man I am out of shape. I thought it would be easier by now, I have run x amount of miles! This run is going to be terrible. This would be easier if you disciplined yourself last December to say no to eggnog! Why did I sign up for this stupid race? Maybe I should just turn around, try again tomorrow. I have to go 4 more miles today, and my legs feel like lead. Will this ever get easier?!"

and on and on my thoughts would go like this, defeating me-I would slow to a walk, then try to get going again, then slow down, etc. Then I had a revelation. Often, if I just kept going-mile 2 wouldn't be as bad. And sometimes, by mile 3 I was in "the zone". Occasionally by mile 4 I was even happy! Then, on one of our team runs, I mentioned this phenomenon to the group as we were panting through the first 10 minutes and EVERYONE agreed. They had the same experience. I was blown away! Even our mentor, who LOVES running so much that she has like, only 3 toenails left and considers 8 miles an "easy day" said

"oh yeah. I always dread that first mile, it's torture. Here's the trick-don't give yourself a walk break, even once, until you are through it. You can't decide how your body feels or how hard that days run will be, in the first mile. The first mile will lie to you, and say anything to get you to quit early! Ignore it and keep pushing."

What a relief. It wasn't because I was weak, and prone to failure (though I am).
It's because I'm human. She said all runners hate the first mile! A load of pressure came rolling off me. My problem was that not only did I expect myself to do the mileage? I expected to LOVE IT. And I wasn't, so in my head I was "failing". I gave myself no credit for doing the run, because I thought it should eventually feel easy, and natural and it rarely did. It felt forced and awkward and I struggled with the struggle itself. Do you know why? Because RUNNING ISN'T NATURAL. Walking is-I have walked 3 half marathons with minimal training because it's easy-peasy, we do it everyday. Running is rare. When was the last time you ran? To catch a bus? We run to flee predators, to escape in war, to grab our child out of the way of that speeding truck. Our bodies struggle to adapt to anything more than a jog because it's out of our comfort zone. Even if we are Kenyan, even if we train, adapt, grow stronger? Running is hard on our bodies, and our minds. This is why less than 1% of Americans complete a half or full marathon. If it was easy, we'd all run!

So how did God use this simple running truth? This reality-that the areas of spiritual discipline that are a struggle to me?
It is not because I am weak, and prone to failure (though I am).
It's because I am human.
Loving God more than loving yourself? IT ISN'T NATURAL.

For most of my adult life I have struggled with my morning devotions. Like running, I love the results more than the process! We all want to be strong without actually making any effort, don't we? Starting my day reading my Bible and praying makes me strong for the days tasks, and I want to follow Jesus' example, but I am NOT a morning person. I simply hate getting up early (and no, that's not too strong a word!). Like running, I have often done it, out of obligation and sheer willpower. Almost always, I am weak at the start. The sun starts turning the sky pink and finds me a zombie in my faded bathrobe, with a Bible in my lap. I struggle to make connection but my bleary eyes can't even comprehend the print, so I close the Book. Sitting there, I feel no energy, no fire, no love for Christ. My thoughts start in:

"I am weak. I should be better at this by now. He had nails driven into His hands out of love for you and you can't even face 6 AM for Him? This would be easier if you disciplined yourself to go to bed earlier. Why am I doing this? Maybe I should just go back to bed, try again tomorrow."

The last few years though, I am re-learning just how big grace is. How Christianity isn't rules and lists, but relationship-the joy of just being together.
6 Am devotions? It's the first mile, is all it is. I'm learning not to despair that it's still hard, because then I will give up and answer the flannel sheets insistent call to come back!
I'm no athlete, and I'm no saint. BUT I AM LOVED. Despite disheveled hair and a cold heart, my soul is learning that truth. I am wanted by this God!? Me, showing up-that is His only request-so I pull up a blanket and sit there and all I can think to say is:

Lord? I'm here.

(silence between friends isn't uncomfortable)

I know You are, too God. Thanks.

(He waits for me to wake up, physically, mentally)

That sunrise looks nice.

(I feel Him smiling at me, gently)

Thanks for the coffee.

(He knows our frame, that we are but dust)

It's nice to sit here with You, when the house is quiet

(Yes, it is.)

Is that really enough? Is that all devotions are?

(You got it. Just you, and Me. Good morning!)


and my heart starts waking up...
All those years I was kicking myself because I wasn't doing Inductive studies at 4 AM. Feeling weak and ineffectual because for the first 15 minutes of struggle to read, to pray, to feel anything but weary. Wondering how I could love God so, yet this keeps being hard?
It helps, talking to other believers and finding out it's difficult sometimes, forty years into it, but they have found the habit to be worth forming. Discovering for myself that if I am just faithful to show up, messy and tired and cold as I am? He always meets me there and takes me the rest of the way. The spiritual life isn't natural, that's why it's hard.
But it's oh-so-worth-it to seek God.
The littlest step in His direction, and watch how our Abba is tearing down the road after His own, throwing His arms around exhausted, dirty shoulders and making us know
we are welcome, we are loved, we are precious to Him.