Life lessons, reviewed.

We were driving to Portland, flying down black asphalt in our heavy old Suburban. The fat sheep and verdant meadows gliding past us were a silent, beautiful backdrop to our excited laughter and talk. A large flock of blackbirds caught our eye, dipping and swaying in unison. There were so many that they made a thick gray cloud in a blue autumn sky. Mesmerized, John and I watched as they danced together, silently shifting patterns in the sky, in perfect harmony. We watched as the cloud moved across the field, the gentle birds moving up and over the rushing Interstate-the instinct so strong inside them that four lanes of speeding traffic was unimportant, unseen. I watched them in wonder and joy, so glad that John was driving and I could focus on my favorite of God's handiwork, His birds. Suddenly the bottom of the cloud dance shifted, lowered too far and just as we realized the danger, it was too late. The front of our car plowed into the gentle creatures. The abrupt sound of them hitting us was like gunfire. Their bodies were bouncing off the windshield and hood, feathers and blood covered the glass.
From joy to chaos, in seconds. From beauty to death, in a moment.
John was amazed and grateful for a miracle, that over a dozen large birds hitting us at 75 MPH didn't break our windshield and cause us to wreck. I covered my face in my hands, and wept. If I had gratitude for our protection, it was buried deep under the other strong feelings. Sam started to make a joke and Josiah quickly hushed him with "Sh! You know Mama loves birds! Be quiet." and he was. No one spoke, and John put one hand on my knee and drove on.
I sat there, stunned. I started silently talking to my Friend about it, spilling out my fears and frustrations to the One who always listens, and comforts.
Lord, You know I love your birds-did You use them to warn me? Is my happy, wonderful life about to spin out of control, explode in my face? Is this a warning?!!
I wait for answer and hear...
Trust Me.
Okay, Lord, but You must help me to walk in faith, because I slip into fear so quickly! Give me courage for tomorrow!
For I know the plans I have for you, for good and not for evil. To give you a future and a hope...
I do believe that, Thank you. But I'm not just afraid Father, I'm sad too.
Yes. It's okay to feel that. Death is sad, I hate it too. And one day soon, it will be gone forever-remember what My cross did?
Yes.
And what else are you feeling, child?
I don't know.
You can say anything to Me...
I guess Lord, I'm just upset.
Just upset? I see you. I know you.
I guess, actually, I am a little angry. (And as I confess it, the truth of it rises up like bile in my mouth and I realize with shock, that I AM mad, I am almost shaking with rage.)
Why? Tell me. say what I know and you don't.
Okay, I'm mad Lord because I just don't understand You sometimes!
That's true. My ways are higher than Your ways, aren't they?
Yes. And I don't get why you are good and compassionate and full of mercy yet You allow such violence to interrupt our peace! I know You are sovereign and all things happen for a reason but this seems senseless and without purpose! I'm angry because You said in Your Word not a bird shall fall without Your knowledge, so I KNOW that You allowed this!
Keep going...
and because I know that You are powerful! How just an exhale from Your mouth and they could have blown to safety. but you didn't! and out of all those busy cars rushing by, You let them die in front of the child You made to love birds. So I don't understand WHY You would do that! I don't understand YOU! And I want to, Father-I truly desire to trust You completely but then THIS keeps happening!"
This?
Yes.
Where I do things You don't understand?
Yes! and bigger!
Like when I allowed *** in your life?
and when *** wounded you?
and that time *** ?
Yes Lord! all of that!
I see. And what did I teach you, in that darkness?
(and I recite the list of old lessons, going down schoolwork that we've gone over in class many times...) "That You love me deeply. That my faith is proved when I trust You in the pain. That my life is Yours. That You suffered greater."
Yes. All still true.
Hold on to those truths, for they will set you free.
and Brenda?
Look at those trees over there.
I see them.
Am I truly sovereign?
Yes Lord.
and if I had decreed that each of those birds die at a ripe old age, high in those green branches, would that be okay with you?
Of course Lord.
And if they died by sickness? or a predator came along, would that cause you such pain?
No Lord, I understand that.
So it isn't that they died. It's that they died in front of you.
Oh Lord. Yes, I see it now. Oh forgive my deep selfishness that demands protection and answers and ease from You. Forgive my childishness that stamps its feet and demands its way.
Happily forgiven. and child?
Will you allow Me to make choices you don't understand, that may hurt deeply?
Yes, Lord. Be sovereign. Have your way and do your perfect will and if it hurts me or I don't understand I will trust, knowing You are in charge and know better than I.
I want to help you overcome, so keep coming to Me like this.
Yes, Father. For You are good, all the time.
and I am so grateful for your gentleness with me.